oh hey there, my name’s Ros and I’m 26 years old and ya girl’s single. if you’re reading this single as a jingle too, may you know that you are in good company. over the past few years, I have learnt so much about singleness. I’ve made mistakes and have not held singleness in my hands with the greatest of intentions. ya’ll it’s been a journey. a year ago, I struggled to view singleness as the true gift it is. I saw it as a waiting period or season that I just couldn’t wait to get out of. like… “where’s the return date on this thing?” contentment for me was like a rollercoaster at Disneyland, it went up and down and at the occasional point, steadied itself. I’m still on this amazing journey of discovering who I am, what I like, what I want to do and honestly, it’s been amazing. Difficult, definitely. but overall? absolutely freeing.
So if you’re currently in a similar season. you know the one! the one where everyone’s getting married, you’ve got bridesmaid dresses coming out of your ears and your friday nights are looking like Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, a face mask and watching Ratatouille on Disney+ (a legit Friday that I’ve had recently and ngl it was the best) I want to let you in on 5 lessons I’m learning about singleness in my 20’s so let’s gooooo:
1. Marriage isn’t the ultimate
It has taken me literal years to fully understand this one. Growing up, it’s all I ever wanted and all I found myself striving for. In each of my relationship’s I, at some point, imagined marrying them. I walked people down the aisle in my mind before I really got to know them, thinking this is it. When it was so far from it (and that’s ok!). You guys, Jonathan Pokluda says it in such an astounding way. He said this in a sermon “No one is married in heaven, so why do we make it the ultimate here?” and it floored me. No joke. It’s as if years of wrong-thinking were shattered in a moment. Marriage just makes you…married! It’s a blessing and an adventure, I’m sure but so is singleness! Marriage demonstrates a picture of us (the bride) in union with Jesus (our bridegroom). So until that day comes, take the pressure off of the timeline you’ve made for yourself.
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”
// Ephesians 5:31-32
2. It’s a time to discover you.
The you when you’re on your own on a Friday night and just want to eat ice cream and watch a hospital drama. The you you are in your friendships and relationships with other people. How you serve, spend time with them, are intentional with them and your availability to hang out with them and ability to cultivate your relationship with them. The you that can survive five heartbreaks and still be open to date again. The you that finds herself at a concert on her own and having the best time (true story – tori kelly was amazing last year). The you that finds out she can travel on her own and have adventures because where she steps, He goes too. The you whose dreams no longer remain buried but come to the light. The you who looks amazing falling more in love with your Creator with every step you take. What a time to fall in love with the precious gift of life that God’s given you.
“But from there you will seek the Lord your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul.”
// Deut 4:29
3. That your worth doesn’t change because of someone’s perception of you
There have been so many times in my life where I’ve put my identity into a guy and what I like doesn’t become what I like but what they like. Moments where I can’t recognise myself anymore. When that relationship breaks down it feels like you’re hollow or missing a piece. I now know that that was because I put my worth and identity into a guy so much so that I lost myself in the process. I would’ve saved so much time if I’d spent some time doing lesson number 2 in this blog so that number 3 wouldn’t have to be a thing but we always need a reminder, am I right yall?! Regardless of what happens before, during or after your relationship, know that your worth doesn’t change because of the way people view you. People will always have opinions. I used to be terrified and ashamed of what people would think of me now that I couldn’t be defined by a certain relationship. Know that you are a whole person in Jesus first and foremost and that you are not one half of a semi-working put together relationship. You’re a crazy beautiful, creative and astounding son/daughter of a magnificent King.
“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved.”
// Ephesians 2:4-5
4. You can use this time as a way to find out more about your purpose.
It’s an amazing time to discover your gifts and talents and how you can use them to advance the kingdom. Work out what doors and opportunities God is throwing your way and don’t be afraid to try even if it’s not exactly what you thought it would be. Remember significant moments of what you’ve done up until this point, they could possibly nod to what God’s calling you to do. Be open. makes sure your heart is open, have your ear to the ground and the willingness to say “Yes, God.” If you notice throughout the Bible, God never calls the equipped, He equips the called which is such a refreshing statement because it reinforces the fact that God makes beauty out of ASHES. The burnt up pieces of your life that you didn’t think were worth shouting about, He’s using for His glory. We’re guaranteed to make mistakes but keep going.
“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.”
// Romans 12:1-5
5. Do not gift exchange any season of life.
I’d be way too embarrassed to tell you the number of hours I’ve spent longing for the greener grass on the other side of the perfect white picket fence. Wishing my single years away in hope that I’d find a forever person. In reality, this whole scenario does nothing but make you miss the beautiful, magical, wonderful gift of the present moment. Be present. It would truly suck to look back on life and think, I always lived for tomorrow, which sucks because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. What do you have in your hand right now, in this moment? Who can you bless right now, in this moment?
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
// Matthew 6:34
Finally, I’ve gathered together a ton of singleness resources for you, we’re talking podcasts, sermons, accounts to follow and more. What we consume is important and plays a part in our contentment. If you have any more suggestions, do let me know!
Instagram accounts to follow:
Podcasts to listen to:
Girls Night – Stephanie May Wilson | The 6 things I’m so happy I did before I got married
Girls Night – Stephanie May Wilson | Our best encouragement for women who are sick of being single
Heart of Dating | The Ultimate Singleness Game Changer
Happy and Healthy Podcast | The Importance of Singleness
For the Girl Podcast | For the girl whose sick of being single
SHE podcast | How to Love your single (or dating) life
Becoming Something with Jonathan Pokluda | Singleness
Sermons/Talks:
Transformation Church | Relationship Goals | Before the Person
Transformation Church | Relationship Goals | Single, Not Alone
Transformation Church | Relationship Goals Reloaded | Happily Ever Before
Transformation Church | Relationship Goals Reloaded | Rip Up Your List
Transformation Church | Relationship Goals Reloaded | Single and Stuck
Rich Wilkerson Jr | Vous Church | Single and Secure
Ted Talks | Yvonne Orji | The Wait Is Sexy
Websites
Books
Caitlin Zick | Look at you, girl
Hannah Brencher | Come Matter Here
Hayley Morgan | Preach to Yourself
John and Stasi Eldredge | Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul
Bianca Olthoff | Play with Fire
Lysa Terkeurst | It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way
Gary L Thomas | The Sacred Search
